Tag: mama

Posted in Mom Talk

My Little Heart Warrior

Posted on by Katie Night

**WARNING**

*This is a very true story. Tissues might be needed. It was difficult to write this, but it is something that helps me express what had happen with my son and his short journey. Please, just take caution when reading.*

There are a lot of ‘Mom Blogs’ out in the web. Some talk about how to take care of a child or their experiences with their child’s first achievements in life. But I haven’t seen very many that talk about the experience of having a child with a heart disease. Let’s just say that it’s very much an emotional rollar coaster.

Well, that’s what it was for me. My son was diagnosed with HLHS (Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome) when I was 22 weeks pregnant with him. Basically, HLHS is when the left side of their heart is either underdeveloped or never formed. Once he was born, he would have to go into surgery within the first week of life.

Altogether, he would have to go through 3 major surgeries with in the first 3 years of his life. Now, I was 18 when I was pregnant with my son, Liam. Image being me at 18, and being told that there was a very big change that he wouldn’t make it. Liam’s everyday life would be either life or death.

The happy family that my fiance and I imaged had changed. We didn’t know if he would make it to his first birthday. We had so many unanswered questions. Would he be able to play sports when he gets older? Would he need a heart transplant in the future if his starts to fail? Or the big question that we wanted to know: Would he ever make it home from the hospital?

Because of how serious his disease was, we weren’t able to have him, in our state. We were recommended to go down to Boston Children’s Hospital. We were told that they deal with congenital heart defects everyday. It made me and our family feel a lot better about having Liam there.

Once Liam was born, he was the most beautiful baby boy that I ever laid eyes on. You couldn’t see that there was anything wrong with him, but on the inside, there was a struggling heart that we would of never noticed.

As soon as I hear him cry, I started to cry myself. They cleaned him up and gave him medicine, to keep the values from closing. We could only hold him for a minute before they took him up to where he needed to be.

I finally got to hold him longer, later that day. I wanted to keep holding him because I knew that once he had his surgery, it would be a very long time until we were able to hold him again. They planned for his first surgery to be on June 27th, 2016, 3 days after his birth.

My fiance and I spent the entire day with him, holding him, getting as much closeness as we could. Until, the morning of his surgery came. We walked down with him, until we got to the point we weren’t able to go past. We both kissed his and held his little fingers. Praying that god would watch over our little boy.

During that day, we got out of the hospital, trying to get our minds off of the fact that they were doing surgery on our son. I wanted to wait all day, but my fiance and I agreed it would be best to go out and get some fresh air. We got frequent updates, while Liam was in surgery. It made me feel better that someone cared enough to let us know that everything was going smoothly and that they would keep us posted until he was our of surgery.

Once they called to let us know that he was doing great, they told us that he was all set to see visitors. I was nervous and scared to see how he looked. Even when we got closer to his room, tears already started to pour down my face.

As a parent, you never want your children to go through surgery or be hooked up to anything. Seeing Liam for the first time out of surgery, was life changing. His chest wasn’t closed, they keep the chest open for a few days to make sure everything is working out fine before they close it. Every time I would go to see him, I asked that they covered his heart, just when I was in there. I don’t know why, but I felt uncomfortable.

As weeks went passed, they finally closed his chest and slowly started to take him off some medication and his breathing tube. We were finally able to hold our son again, after about 4 weeks from his surgery.

We thought that things were going great, he was able to leave the NICU and move over to what they called was ‘The Floor’, meaning that Liam still needed nurses, but not 24/7, like he did in the NICU. The doctors said that once he was able to start eating from a bottle or breast and a few other things, he would be able to go home.

Day 2, of being on ‘The Floor’, was the most horrible day of my life. The nurse had come in to give Liam his medicine and he was being fussy, so she suggested that I pick him up and rock him. All of a sudden, my worst nightmare had happen. He stopped breathing in my arms.

The nurse took him and pressed the code blue button, 7-8 other hospital staff rushed in to help, they took him back over the NICU. I followed them, shocked and frighted. My fiance rushed over to the hospital, they wouldn’t allow both parents to stay in the room together, so he had to stay at a place that was a mile away from the hospital.

My hands wouldn’t stop shaking. I didn’t know what to do, they had a nurse stay with me until my fiance got there. All I could say was, ‘he stopped breathing in my arms.’

They did CPR on him for 45 minutes until they were able to get on bypass. They didn’t know what happened. They figured it was a blood clot that blocked blood from reaching his heart. The told us that they were going to try and take him off bypass slowly and hope for the best, but if he was still on it after a week, there was a good chance that Liam wouldn’t make it.

During the time he was on bypass, Liam had brain damage, from getting CPR for too long, kidneys and liver were starting to fail. We ended up sitting down with a few doctors and his surgeon. We also got our immediate family to come up, for the support. They said that once we can get him off bypass, that they would be able to determined if he would still have brain activity, but by the looks of what they were trying to read, he had little to none brain activity.

My fiance and I looked at each other and prayed that god wouldn’t take Liam from us. He did. On July 23rd, 2016 at 4 in the morning, our son had passed away. When they took him off bypass, he was doing fine, but slowly started to decline. My fiance, his mother, my mother and I, were with him when he passed. I held him until his heart stopped beating.

Everyone I knew, their baby got to come home in their car seat,  but Liam never even left the hospital. He didn’t come home in a car seat. He came home in a box. Every mother’s worst night mare.

It was really hard to write this, but I think it’s time that everyone knows that not every baby born in this world is perfectly normal. I rather tell people my experience than let every mother or soon-to-be mother think that everyone’s child is born healthy.

Because my son wasn’t born healthy. His heart disease was something that not even doctors know how it was caused. I’ve googled it thousands of times, no one know’s why HLHS happens or any congenital birth defect.

This year will be two years that Liam has been gone. I’ll never get to see him on his first birthday or see him walk or talk for the first time. He was two days shy of being a month old.

But there is one thing that I want to let everyone know. Whether your child was on this world for a day, month, or years, you can’t just get over it. People think that because Liam wasn’t even a month old, that I can just get over it.

To this day, I still cry about him, not as much as I first did, but I do still cry about him. I always will. He is my little Simba and I miss and love him so much.

On a happier note, Liam gave us a surprise from up above. We were blessed with our daughter, Isabella on October 25th 2017, our rainbow baby. I believe that he knew we were ready to be parents, as cheesy as it may sound, and gave us our healthy daughter.

Every year on his birthday, we release balloons, in honor of him. In honor of our heart warrior, our little Simba. Now, our Simba is looking down and watching over his little sister from up above.

Liam Michael (June 25th, 2016 – July 23rd, 2016)

Liam Michael
Our little heart warrior

 

Posted in Mom Talk

Mom Talk: The Aftermath Of Having Babies

Posted on by Katie Night

Image result for aftermath of having a baby

Babies given our life full of joy, over-tiredness, happiness, exhaustion, etc. We carried them for 9 months, experienced all of their movements and felt them grow inside us over time. No one really talks about what happens after birth, what happens to us mother after the baby is born.

I think that no one wants to see the aftermath of having a child because it’s not pretty. I’ve had natural births, so I don’t know if it is the same aftermath with a c-section. Forewarning you, some of this stuff that I will be talking about might be really gross for some of you, so if you don’t have a really strong stomach, I wouldn’t continue to read.

Once you get to the end of your pregnancy, you might be at that point where you just want your kid to come out. No joke. For me, that statement was 100% true. I loved being pregnant, but the further you get, the more uncomfortable it is. Especially if you were pregnant during the summer.

With my son, I was induced, due to his condition. Being induced was a bitch. It was a lot more painful vs. having your child naturally. My daughter wasn’t needed to be induced, thank god.

When you start to go through labor, from my view, its not bad until you hit that 6-7 cm. Then you kinda just want to grab your spouse and want to punch them in the nuts, but don’t really do that.

The pain and everything went away when I had my children in my arms, or once I saw them. Everyone things that it’s such a happy time, well, you are dead wrong. If you have your children naturally, be prepared to bleed for the next couple weeks.

That pregnancy glow you once had, has changed to a Walking Dead add on. To this day, my daughter is 7 months old, and I still look like a Walking Dead extra. Then again, pj’s are my best friend.

Your boobs hurt, if you are breastfeeding, I was only able to do it for a little bit, but to this day, they will always leak. Not to mention that it hurts to go to the bathroom, to me, I felt that I was in labor again after the first time. For that first month or two, you feel like shit. You feel even worst when baby blues or depression hits you at the same time.

It’s all worth it in the end, they tell you. Well, the one thing that isn’t worth it, and I still have this issue, peeing when you sneeze. You are stuck with that in the end too. Hell, I have to hold my sneeze unless I want to pee myself. At this point, you are better off wearing Depends now.

 

Posted in Mom Talk

Why You Shouldn’t Smoke Around Your Children (Mom Talk)

Posted on by Katie Night

Back in the day, we didn’t know how bad smoking cigarettes can be. Now, you don’t see any commercials promoting cigarettes or tobacco. If you do, its very rare to see an add for cigarettes. No matter how much people hate it, there are people who still smoke today and I don’t think it will go away anytime soon.

I’ll admit, I have tried a cigarette a few times, but thankfully it wasn’t something I got addicted to. It also helped that most of my family didn’t smoke around us either, which made me grateful I didn’t get into that. I’m actually shocked that I didn’t start smoking when I was living with my ex, who ask smoked as well as his family.

Even though I have never became addicted to it, I could see how difficult it is to try and quit. I watched my ex tried to quit, but would always cave when his family was around because they still smoked. He almost had quit for a full year before our daughter was born to then give it up the day after we had her.

Back in the day, people were smoking all the time with kids around. In public places or in their own homes. No one realized the dangers until more research was done to show and prove that they can kill you faster than eating fast food every day. They also found out that second hand smoke was just as bad as smoking the cigarette.

Which is why I will keep my kids away from cigarette smoke as much as I can. Smoking is a bad habit, but you shouldn’t make others or your children have to deal with your habit. I know so many people I went to high school where if they lived in a household where their parents smoked, 9 times out of 10, I saw them pick up the same habit.

Even when you are in another room or holding up the cigarette away from the child, they can still inhale the second hand smoke. Especially in a car. Rolling down the windows WILL NOT prevent the smoke from getting to the child. Thankfully in Maine, you can get fined for smoking in the car with any minor under 15 or 16.

As a mother, who had a child with a heart condition, it’s even more fatal. I’m one of those moms that will not go into a house or car if it smells like cigarette smoke. I was never around it and I want my kids to not be around it.

I will be making sure that my kids don’t get into that awful habit. My daughter knows whenever she sees a cigarette to think of it as a ‘cancer stick’. Since one of the possibilities with smoking can be getting cancer from it.

I’ve lost family members because of their smoking habits, I don’t want to risk my children’s life just because someone needs to have a cigarette.

Posted in Mom Talk

Being a Stay-At-Home Mom (Mom Talk)

Posted on by Katie Night

Image result for stay at home mom

A lot of moms don’t have the pleasure to stay home with their children nowadays. In order just to live, you need both parents income and even that can barely keep you afloat. Even then its still a struggle to afford daycare on top of all the other bills as well.

Back in the day, the husband would be out working, while the wife stayed home to care for the kids, keeping the house clean and in order, and as well as making sure that there was a cooked meal ready for when the husband got home.

Being a stay-at-home mom isn’t for everyone. I honestly never really thought about being a stay-at-home mom much until after I had lost my son and got pregnant with my daughter that I didn’t want to miss out on her growing up and reaching milestones that I would never get to experience with my son.

After I had her, I knew I would have a very difficult time leaving her when I had to go back to work. So, her father and I decided that being a stay-at-home mom would be the best thing for not only me, but it would save us on having to pay for childcare as well.

At the time, I didn’t have my license and the only places I could walk were just to my mother-in-laws, which I didn’t do much because we lived on a very busy street. Not to mention, I was living in a trailer park that also wasn’t close to any store at all either.

We did have a mini backyard that I had a swing that I could go out on, which was nice to have, but I felt very alone during the day and even more at night. Since my daughters father worked night shift, I barely had time with him during the day before he had to leave for work.

I did feel very alone, even though I was with my daughter, I felt so alone. The social interaction I would get from her father, was more of what bills need to be paid, what groceries we needed, and what we were going to do the weekend. I felt like I was on zombie mode.

Which is why I started to get into blogging more and even had a pen pal that I would e-mail just to stay sane. Sure, I had my family I could call and text, which I did often, but they didn’t really understand what struggles a stay-at-home mom can go through.

I become very depressed after the 2nd year of being a stay-at-home mom. I loved being able to spend time with my daughter and watching her grow up and learn new things, but I also hated being stuck and alone most of the day.

Thankfully, I did manage to get out at least once a week when my mom would come on Sundays. We would do our usual visit to see my great-grandmother or do something fun for the day either visiting family or shopping or just getting out of the house.

The sad part was, the moment I got home, I was alone again.

My depression got so bad to a point that I didn’t think I’d ever get to the point of not being here. However, the voice in my head kept telling me, “your daughter needs you.” That was the thing that kept me going, but it also terrified me of how she would have to cope if I went through with it.

Thankfully, my mom helped me get myself out of the tunnel of darkness and back on my feet. After the 3rd year of being a stay-at-home mom, I got a job and started working again.

After that, I moved in with her, got my license, bought my first car, and worked on myself within the first 6 months of leaving my ex. As much as I loved spending all the time in the world with my daughter, I was slowly losing myself.

I never regret being a stay-at-home mom because my daughter and I had lots of fun and she always made me smile, especially on my bad days. If I had to go back and do it again, I think I would, but I would find a remote job so that I didn’t loose my mind completely.

Being a stay-at-home mom is hard, but the memories and watching your child grow up and hit milestones, is priceless. I really wish we didn’t live the way that we did so that more mother’s could experience it for themselves for at least the first year.

I wish I did that with my youngest daughter that I had back in February of this year, but with how my current living situation is, it would be difficult to do. I did take a longer maternity leave with this one, but ended up going back to work shortly after.

Overall, choosing to be a stay-at-home mom has is ups and downs, however, it is up to you to see if that lifestyle is something for you. After being back in the workforce, I personally wouldn’t be able to do it again, unless I was working from home.