Posted in Mom Talk

Mom Talk: Breakup Aftermath

Hey Dearies! I know it has been awhile, but lately I have been in a weird funk and I haven’t been in the right mind to really write lately, but after a few events, I really want to keep you all posted on what has been going on in my life lately.

As you all know, I left my daughter’s father and I guess a lot of people were very ‘shocked’ by it, but others weren’t. Long story short, I became very depressed being a stay at home mom last year and with my family far away, it was very difficult for me to handle. I don’t think my father’s daughter really understood what was going on and just thought it was something that I would just get out of.

Anyway, I left at the beginning of the year and his family was more shocked than everyone else that was around us, such as my family. My father daughter ‘didn’t see it coming’, but what he didn’t know, the signs were all there.

I was losing who I was and I wanted someone who wanted to grow with me.

As a mom, it’s hard to do something like this because we put the blame on us that we couldn’t try harder to keep your family together or we think back on what we could of done differently. Sadly, a relationship works both ways, two people have to both put the effort into a relationship, that wasn’t happening in my situation.

I had a very difficult time leaving, just like other moms, including my own, when they wanted to leave their relationship. It’s not easy, but it’s better for the parents to both be happy, whether they are together or not.

Sometimes, you have a break down and realized that you want to fix things, that happened to me a few weeks after I broke up with him. See, let me explain something that most moms like me would understand.

I wanted him to prove that he wanted me, that I was still someone he wanted to be with and spend the rest of our lives together, but the one thing that broke my heart more, he let me walk out the door and didn’t chase me or stop me.

You see, when you are in love with someone, you don’t want them to ever leave your side. That’s your person you want to be with for the rest of your life. Well, it broke my heart that he didn’t chase after me. Even though I left to take care of me, I wanted him to chase me and show me how much he cared for me.

Instead, he didn’t and it crushed me.

We did try to make things work and I gave him questions to answer, which he did. Some of the answers I was impressed, others not so much, but I’m not going to share that with anyone because of the fact that it was between him and I.

He wanted to start fresh, clean slate and work on things, but when I suggested therapy, he wasn’t for it at all. Which isn’t just him, a lot of people doesn’t think it helps when it really can, if you actually let it.

As you can guess, that didn’t happen and I had some time to think about everything. Why I left, what would happen if I went back, would I still be unhappy, the same questions I asked before leaving him. Instead, I made the choice that we should co-parent and be peaceful for our daughter’s sake.

We both agreed that this would be what is best for our daughter, which in a way shocked me because for someone that wanted to work on things, he was really okay with just co-parenting. Which was fine, however, something recent happened that really put me in this weird place.

Before I explained what happened, this upcoming month, our son would’ve been 5 years old and this was going to be the first time that we were going to celebrate it not being together as a couple. This year was going to be even harder because this is the 5 year mark that he has been gone.

I’ll be honest, this has been the hardest year for me to endure. I’ve been trying to be strong for my daughter’s sake, but it’s harder said that done.

Anyway, I was scrolling on social media and I saw something that made my heart fall into my stomach. Another female tagged him in something that was like a ‘cute post’, you know the ones that people do when they are getting to know each other or when they are dating.

I was hurt. I was broken. I was crushed. Most of all, I was angry.

I know what most of you are thinking, “you left him”, “he’s single”. Which you are all right, I shouldn’t make a bigger deal that it should be and I’m not trying to, but it’s hard to not let things like this bug you, especially since this was about 3 weeks after we decided to co-parent.

When you truly love someone, you can’t move on as quickly as you think you can. Everyone is different, but if you really truly love someone, you wouldn’t move on as quick as you could. Healing from a break-up takes time, but everyone is different.

I just thought after 6 years together and 2 kids, I thought I meant more to him than I thought. I feel like he is trying to replace me.

That’s what hurt me the most.

I looked back at all the memories that we made, the good, the bad and all I could think of was it all a lie? Did I not mean anything to him? Am I that easy for people to replace?

This isn’t the first time this has happened to me, my ex before my daughter’s father did the same exact thing. So, to have it happen again, but with someone that you have kids with, all I could think of what is wrong with me?

Is it how I look? Did I not mean anything to him to begin with? What he using me? Did he just dealt with me until I left? Did he want me to leave him? Did he even care? Did he really love me?

All those questions are still running around in my head and I don’t know why. Situations like this either should people’s true colors or makes you wonder if you were the problem. I give so much for others, I’ve always done that. Put other’s before myself and people take advantage of me for that.

So, now, I’m trying my best to pretend like it doesn’t bother me and try to take it one day at a time. All I can do now is be the best mother in the world to my daughter. That’s all I can be.


I know this isn’t a happy post, but I just had to get this all out and don’t worry, I’m going to try my best to come back and start doing my blog again, but with these next 2 months are going to be the hardest, so I may or may not be posting anything for a little bit.

Posted in My Secret Love

My Secret Love (Chapter 19)

*Warning: Mature Content. Read at your own risk!*

If you haven’t read Chapter 18, here is the link!

https://katiesblog96971617.com/2018/10/01/my-writing-my-secret-love-chapter-18/

~Chapter 19~

“What the hell is your problem?” I woke up to someone screaming in the next room. I looked over, to see if Dylan was next to me, but he was gone. I rubbed my eyes and got out of the bed.

“My problem is that you can’t just fuck her for the fun of it!” Once I heard that voice, I knew who it was. I ran out of the bedroom to find Michael and Dylan yelling at each other.

“We didn’t fuck! You need to relax and let her be her own person. I would never do that to her. I cared about her-” I stopped Dylan in the middle of his sentence.

“What’s going on?” I asked, Michael walked over and hugged me.

“I have been looking everywhere for you!” I pulled away from his embrace. “We are leaving.” He grabbed my arm, trying to pull me to the door, but I pulled away.

“No.”

“No?” Michael spoke.

“No, I’m not going. You need to leave me alone. I can’t forgive you for what you did.” Michael threw his hands in his hair and walked back and forth.

“It wasn’t my fucking fault! Whatever, blame it on me because I wanted to save your life so that we could be happy together. I’ve tried, I’m done.” Michael then slammed the door.

“I’m so sorry about that. I didn’t think that he would go all through this trouble to find me.” I said. I grabbed my stuff and walked out the door.

Dylan followed. I could hear his footsteps following me.
“Please don’t go.” He paused when I turned around. “Is there anything I can do to help you?”

I nodded and he lead me into the garage. “You can take my Jeep and go where ever you want.” He handed me the keys and I got in and just drove. I never wanted to look back.

If you can’t wait for the next chapter to come out, feel free to check it out on Wattpad! Just look up katieasehl and not only will you find this book, but others that are finished or I’m currently working on.

Chapter 20:
https://katiesblog96971617.com/2018/10/08/my-writing-my-secret-love-chapter-20/

Posted in Unclear

Unclear – It’s a…. WHAT?? (Chapter 11)

Image result for katieasehl wattpad

Good Morning! We are finally in the month of July! I feel like this year has gone by so fast, so far. Anyway, here is another chapter of my book. In this chapter, we find out the sex of the baby! Enjoy and prepared to be shocked!

If you haven’t read Chapter 10, here is the link!
https://katiesblog96971617.com/2018/06/29/my-writing-unclear-5-months-chapter-10/

~It’s a ….. WHAT?~

Tanner’s P.O.V. 
Jade and I were waiting at the doctor’s office. Today, we are going to find out the sex of the baby. I have a feeling that it’s gonna be a girl. A boy would be nice too, but I have a feeling it’s going to be a girl.
Jade was looking through some magazines. As I looked over at her, she looked so beautiful. It’s been starting to get hard with her bump in the way, but I love it. She then looked up at me and smiled. I smiled back.
“Jade Roy?” One of the nurses called her name and we got up and followed her to one of the ultrasound rooms. Jade grabbed my hand as we walked into the room. “The doctor will be right in.” Then the nurse left. It was silence for a little bit until Jade spoke up.
“I’m nervous.” She said. “And excited. I just hope that nothing is wrong with the baby.” I hugged her tightly, but not too tightly. I didn’t want to put too much pressure on the baby.
“I am too.” I answered as I looked down at her. “Everything with be fine, I promise.” She then kissed me on the cheek and sat down on the table.
“Hello, Jade. How are we feeling today?” As the doctor walked in and looked up at Jade and I. “You must be the father.” As we shook hands. Then he went right back to Jade. “Are you ready to know what your baby is?”
“Yes, I’m nervous and excited.” Jade answered as she laid down on the table and pulled up her shirt, showing her belly.
“Don’t be nervous, I’m sure that everything will be just fine.” He smiled at her, then put some gel stuff on her belly. “And do you want to know what the sex of your baby is? Or do you want it to be a surprise?”
“Yes. Sooner I know, the sooner I can shop for him or her.” Jade said and the doctor smiled. Then there it was. Our baby. Once I heard the heartbeat, I kissed the top of Jade’s forehead. She was smiling, almost about to cry.
“There’s your baby. That’s the head. A hand. Looks like she’s waving to you too.” The doctor said as I smiled.
“It’s a girl?” I asked. I had the biggest smiled on my face.
“Yes, it is.” The doctor replied. Then his expression changed. “Wait a minute. There’s another heartbeat.” My eyes widen and I looked down at Jade, she was surprised.
“You mean there’s another baby?” She asked.
“Yes, you’re having twins.” The doctor then showed us the other baby. “He looks like he was hiding. I’m surprised I didn’t see him the first time I gave you an ultrasound.”
“A girl and a boy?” Jade asked. “But that’s impossible. No one on my side of the family has ever had twins.”
“Well, you see, having twins is rare, but not impossible. It doesn’t matter if your family has had twins, you could’ve had two eggs that were fertilized. I understand that this is shocking, but look at the bright side. You both have two perfectly healthy babies.” He explained, then he got up and walked over to the door. “I’m be right back. I’m going to get you some copies of your babies.” Then he exited.
“Twins, wow.” I said. Jade looked over to me. She was already shocked that I got her pregnant, but now we have, not just one, but two babies! I don’t know about her, but I’m so happy! “Hey, I know that this was a surprise, but think of it this way, at least you don’t have to get pregnant a second time.” She started to laugh.
“I guess you’re right. It’s not like these babies won’t be loved any less. I’m just glad you talked me into agreeing to get a 3 bedroom house.” She smiled. I laughed. I then went over to her and pressed my lips against hers.
“I won’t ever leave you. I promise that I’ll be here for you and our children until the very end.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lucas’s P.O.V.
Sitting in this shithole, while that crazy freak tries to put a love spell on me, or whatever, is pissing me off. I need to find this guy who got my girl pregnant. He’s a dead man when I get out of here. When I get out of here.
I got to think of a plan to get me the hell out of here. I need to see her. The only thing that I did have, that could get me out, was my pocket knife, my father gave me when I turned 12. That bitch fucking took it from me. Speak of the devil here she is.
“Well, well, you do look rather cozy in there.” She spoke. I ignored her. There’s no way in hell that I’m going to fuck her, just so she can live.
“When the hell are you going to let me out? And give me back my fucking knife! My father gave that to me!” I yelled.
“Soon, my love.” She then pulled her phone out of her pocket and answered it. “Hey Tanner. So how did it go?”
“WHAT? TWINS? Are you serious?” She was surprised. Wait, she did mention that Jade was going to find out the sex of the baby today. Oh shit, if she has twins, this will be perfect. If I escape, I was take her with me to my family’s old farm house. And we’ll raise those two babies together. This is perfect.
“A girl and a boy? Congratulations big bro! Listen, I’m kinda studying for a big test for college. I’ll talk to you later, okay? I love you, bye.” And she hung up the phone. “How is that possible? I thought that there was only one girl?” She then looked up at me.
“Well, it sounds to me, that my girl has been very naughty.” I said. “Sounds, like I could help you, but only if you let me out of here.”
“Tomorrow. I’ll let you out tomorrow, but you must agree that you will not harm my brother or those babies. They are not yours and never will be yours.” She gave me an evil look. “I mean it. They are the only family that I’ve got, since my parents walked out on me.”

Another chapter will be up on Friday! If you are too impatient and don’t want to wait for another chapter, you can always check out my story on Wattpad, just search my name katieasehl and you will find Unclear and other stories as well. We are about halfway done with Unclear. I haven’t written a squeal, its been in my thoughts, but I will ask for you guys advice on if I should make another one or not. Of course, let’s finish the book first, before you advised me to make another one or not. 

Chapter 12: He’s Coming For Me
https://katiesblog96971617.com/2018/07/06/my-writing-unclear-hes-coming-for-me-chapter-12/

 

Posted in Mom Talk

Mom Talk: Dealing With The Loss Of A Child

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As you all might know, or will find out, I lost my first born son, before he turned a month old. His birthday is next month and I wanted to talk to you about the loss of a child. Whether they were on this Earth for 5 years or two days, it still hurts the same.

June 25th, is coming soon, which is also my son’s birthday. He would have been two years old. As the month has been coming up, I haven’t been the same.

Last year, this time, I was working and was pregnant for my rainbow baby, my daughter. Work distracted me from the fact that I would celebrate his first birthday without him here. This year, he would have been two, and now that I am a stay-at-home mom, it has been really difficult.

You see, losing a child is very difficult to cope with, even at my age. I was 18, when I had him. I was 18, when we lost him. And because of losing him so soon, it made my fiance and I grow up a lot. What was the reason, you ask. Well, let me tell you.

When I was pregnant with my son, Liam, we found out he had a very serious disease, HLHS or Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. Meaning the left side of his heart was underdeveloped. At first I never even hear the term, but after watching a lot of Grey’s, they talk about it all the time.

They don’t have enough research to explain why it happen, but it just did. ‘It was the way cells formed’, is what all the doctors would tell us. None of us wanted to believe that it was true, but the ultrasounds said otherwise. Once he was born, he was going to be going through a lot up until he turns about 3. Well, as you know, he didn’t make to 3. He didn’t even make it to his first birthday.

Everything went well, with his first surgery, but a blood clot stopped his heart and he just went downhill from there. Another reason why it’s even harder to deal with the lost of a child, is when you are holding them when their heart stopped, not just once, but twice.

That story is for another day, which I haven’t decided whether to post it or not.

He died on in my arms, I know a lot of people might think I’m crazy, but to me, I wanted him to know that he was going to heaven in the comfort of his parents arms.

One thing that a lot of people tell me is to get over it. I can’t just get over it. It’s not something you get over with, it takes time to cope with the fact that they are no longer with us. I though, I believe he is always watching from up above.

Please, if you know anyone who has ever lost a child, don’t ever tell them they need to ‘get over it’. You are a terrible person for even thinking that, just saying. If anything, we need to comfort those who have lost love ones.